COOKING FOR IDIOTS

Jamie Oliver and the rest of the cooking-showbiz-glitterati have been back on our screens recently chastising us about our eating and buying habits using a combination of pleading, crying and frightening.

The aforementioned Essex mockney has been joined on Channel 4’s Food fortnight by the wet but likable Hugh and the fiery but vocabulary deficient Mr. Ramsey.

In Jamie’s recent series, Jamie at home everything seems to have a personality and is afforded a title. Leek becomes Mr. Leek, squid becomes Mr. Squid and lamb becomes Mr. Lamb ad nauseam. Give me a break Jamie and don’t talk down to me, this isn’t Big Cook, Little Cook.

Some would say he is patronising but I don’t think he knows what it means. He is a grade-A prat, which is usually understood but I think he might be a genuine idiot. He feels the need to tell us that apparently fennel won’t stick to a grill whereas leeks will so you have to oil them. Where the fuck does he get it from?

From the 3 stooges channel 4 has fronting this healthy eating and buying drive he is without the doubt the simpleton of the gang, he seems to use the world shit a lot too which would seem to indicate a limited vocabulary as does his constant use of childish words to describe tastes and to highlight that he is ‘Passionate’, ‘Pukka’ does however seem to have been dropped, thank the Lord.

He does seem to care about the cause and you could say he has a heart of gold but I’m afraid he also has a head full of straw. Maybe the wizard will give him a brain if he ever gets to Oz.

Hugh is much better and his campaign involved very little cooking, which was refreshing as the cause isn’t about cooking but buying. To that end Hugh spent a lot of time in the supermarkets and speaking to people on the street. He did cry though.

Gordon Ramsey, when compared to ‘Jamo the cheeky mockney twerp’ is a breath of fresh air even if that air is filled with expletives. His frank, no-nonsense attitude really does seem to be the cutting lemon juice to Jamie’s Rich sauce.
That was until I watched channel 4’s Friday night ‘Cook along with Gordon’ where he bounced around a stage looking constipated and holding his one hand up in the air as if holding an imaginary stamp. The constipated, former "footballer" was joined by TV favourite Chris Moyles, sorry I mean former radio but recently fallen off the radar, Chris Moyles. The latter was there to compliment Gordon’s restaurant style with an idiot’s guide to cooking steak and chips, yes folks they spent the majority of the live stage time cooking steak and chips. One of his finer comedy moments came when Gordon explained that Crème fresh is basically sour cream, "Why don’t you use cream that is not so sour then?" – Nice one Moyles, without a script you really are fucked.
To make it worse they had a woman from Wales who apparently hadn’t eaten meat for 25 years but was lured out of veggie exile by Gordon, f’ing Ramsey, they usually let us down on TV and she did a good job. And the icing on the proverbial cake was Janet Street-Porter. She was the "Celeb-at-home" and the big brother house was thrown on for good measure, dumbing down or what!!

The program seems so contrived, right down to Gordon’s "surprise" at his beating 2 so called celebrities in a cooking competition. He lost one as well and his disappointment looked just as contrived.

Am I alone in feeling patronised by these professionally trained chefs? Maybe they are catering (forgive the pun) to the majority of the population but that doesn’t help me, I’m not a moron and because most of my countrymen are means I have to settle for the occasional program on BBC2 or late night channel 4 does it?

TV chefs really are beginning (rather continuing) to piss me off but I enjoy cooking and like watching the cooking but could do with a bit less of the personality. Nigella Lawson and Jamie Oliver are the worst of the culprits for ‘"creative "use of language but I could pick out at least one trait in every TV chef that I deplore.

More cooking and less talking please, oh and do try to keep the patronizing under wraps too.
Bring back Keith Floyd!

Oh and finally a small note about Ryvita minis. Fern Britton advertises them with the slogan "Britain loves Ryvita minis" but I must protest and respond by saying NO, fat salad dodgers who can’t be bothered to get off their bed sore ridden arses love Ryvita minis because they think it means they can lose weight by eating and not doing any exercise.