Littlewoods - Well they will be little if they keep wasting paper.

I recently received a new catalogue from mail order company Littlewoods. This was something of a surprise to me as I had closed my account with them over 12 months ago. Or I thought I had. I was a bit pissed off with them for sending me a catalogue and a letter stating I had a credit level of ₤200 and for proudly proclaiming that their current catalogue had over 1200 pages. I closed my account because I no longer wanted the temptation of getting into debt at over inflated prices and for sometimes inferior products. I phoned them to find out why I had received this catalogue and when they would come and collect it.
After speaking to a young lady about it, she informed me that my account was dormant and not actually closed. She put me through to the department for ‘pretending to close accounts but secretly keeping them open in case you fall on hard times and want to shackle yourself to a ruthless mail order company’.

The conversation went something like this;

Littlewoods lady: Mr. McGovern, I have been told by my colleague that you would like to close your account.

Me: yes, I would like to close my account AGAIN.

Littlewoods lady: I also understand that you have received a catalogue from us and you’re not too happy about it.

Me: That’s right. Can you tell me why I have received this catalogue?

Littlewoods lady: Your account was not closed, it was just dormant and so you will still receive correspondence from us from time to time.

Me: OK, well I don’t want to receive anything else from Littlewoods, ever again.

Littlewoods lady: I will arrange that for you but I have to inform you that it will take 90 (N-I-N-T-E-Y) days to arrange this and to stop you receiving mail from us.

Me: Why does it take 90 days?

Littlewoods lady: That’s just how long it takes for the mail run to complete as we will already have printed letters for the next 90 days.

Me: Well, in the near future I will be moving from this address and so I won’t even be receiving them.

Littlewoods lady: Do you have a forwarding address for your letters?

Me: Yes, but I don’t want to give it to little woods because I don’t want any letters or catalogues!

Littlewoods lady: Um, OK.

Me: But you understand that you will be sending letters to someone else and not me.

Littlewoods lady: Yes

Me: Don’t you think that is a bit stupid?

Littlewoods lady: Well we can’t really do anything about it.

Me: I also want to know how you will collect this unused catalogue from me as I didn’t request it and obviously don’t want it.

Littlewoods lady: We don’t have the facility to collect or accept returns of catalogues.

Me: So you mean to say that the catalogue, which boasts a mammoth 1200 plus pages, will have to go straight in the bin?

Littlewoods lady: Maybe you could recycle it?

Me: I think that’s a good idea but I thought if you could take it back and recycle it by giving it to another customer, one who actually requests it then that would be even better than getting it pulped so it can be made into yet another catalogue.

Littlewoods lady: That would be better but we don’t have the facility to do that.

Me: Well, I can see I am fighting a losing battle and so as long as you can guarantee that I am removed from any and all future mailing lists that will have to do.

Littlewoods lady: I will sort that out for you right now.

Me: Thank you very much.

She thought she would get the last world in and possibly try to enrage me further by stating

"We will send you out a letter confirming that you have been fully removed, thank you and have a nice day."

So she didn’t understand at all what I was saying and now I will actually have an extra piece of junk mail.
Thanks Littlewoods.